When In Rome...

It's been a few days and I figure it's time to update things a bit! Where to begin, I just don't know!

I found out where BJ is. County jail. He went before a judge that Friday morning after i last saw him - and told him to fuck himself and he's gonna kill 'em all. Showed his ass bad in court, and got locked up for 90 days! Oh well! That mouth is gonna be his downfall... and this is just another example!

Talked to Pa last night! Damn! I still care so freakin' much about the guy, but he's such a major pile of shit! He said he was hungry, so I bought him food! (Funny how he's got money to drink with and buy grass, but not food!) And of course, he threw out the same lines - the same empty promises that he always does! And like I stupid sap, I acted like I believed him and went along with his BS. He ate - then left! And I didn't even get a hug, a kiss, a "thank you", or anything! Just a "see you tomorrow" and wave of the hand!

Hell, I'm feeling sorry for myself right now! Between my long-term ex (Chris) and Pa - my heart is torn between two pieces of trash who only care about themselves and what they can get out of everyone! I'd be better off just giving in and start sleeping with G. across the street. But then again, he's no different either. Just another back-stabbing, lying piece of trash! Where are all the good men at these days? And I wonder if any of them would like a midd-aged, overweight, sincere, but deeply fucked in the head man to be with! I'm so fuckin' tired of being alone so much!

But then again, I'm not alone! I have D. But he's just another example of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it too. He's dating a girl and claims to be straight - but he keeps coming around here and trying to initiate a little hoopty-hoo all the time! No problem with that - but he's started doing the BS lines - "I love you" and "I want to spend my life with you"... all that crap! If it was true, why would he still be dating that girl? I'm sure he tells her the same thing! And why has he told his parents that he's not hanging with me much anymore? But he's still here everyday! Damn! I hate dealing with a kid...lol. I think I liked it better before we took it past friendship - it was fun and carefree and I felt like I could relax and just be myself - and not have to be on guard all the time. And now, it's just another BS relationship that got fucked up.

I have all sorts of men in my life. But when it comes down to it, that's all just BS and occasional sex! Fuck that! I want more - I want a relationship that matters - someone i can trust and that trusts me - and someone I can be "just me" and not have to pretend to be anyone or anything else! Is that too damn much to ask? I guess so!

Time for work! Gas at the work-hole has risen to 2.99 per gallon - and all the cigs in the store went up 30 cents a pack today! And I've had no sleep (actually about 2 hours all day - I had baby-sitting duty with the demon spawn today!) - so it should be a fun night! I'm tired and everyone is going to be ill! What fun!

I picked a hell of a week to give up drinking and drugs....lol. Just kidding! Time for work! Later people!
-Doug